Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
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I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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