My pussy is not your playground.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
