then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
