My hand turned me down
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
