These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
