she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
