I just threw up on my dentist
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
