There was a lot of him and a little penis
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
