we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
