i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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