Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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