just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How does one acquire holy water?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
