in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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