Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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