theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
