I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
