drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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