omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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