in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
