i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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