don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
