just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
