to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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