hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
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Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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