I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
