i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
