Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
