friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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