"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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