my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
