It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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