I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
