Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
