i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
