I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
someone owes me an orgasm
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
