bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
