i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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