we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
