my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
