I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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