Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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