Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I see more hoeing in ur future
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
