We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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