I am spending my child support on dildos
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
