Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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