Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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