i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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