So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
