nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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