Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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