i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
