Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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