this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
