Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize