happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
