I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
