she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
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they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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