What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
