i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
