words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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