I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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