wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
